favorites, trash by taylor

a long december (or whatever it is, I hate the counting crows)

 

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(art by Jessi B. I miss her!)

We’re ten days into the new year, and I already can’t believe how much new year related space in occupied in my brain. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m feeling lighter; the amount of relief I’m sure we all have for 2017 to be over, exists in vast proportions! I didn’t have any concrete new year’s resolutions and I really haven’t had any since 2010, when I vowed to stop drinking Vault in school. Really though, the only goal I really wanted to meet in 2018 was to really make sure I left what I could of the dumpster fire garbage can I like to call “MY FEELINGS AND OTHER UNADDRESSED BAGGAGE” in 2017.

In order to obtain that goal, I wanted to move forward on projects I’d been hoping to start for a long time! One morning I was listening to some of my favorite podcasts, and I texted my best friend, and several enthusiastic replies later, “Narrative Bouillon & Other Bullshit” was born! Our goal for the podcast is to provide a platform where people can share and learn to make sense of the narratives that propelled them into who they are today! One of the most important themes we want to explore further is the idea of self-love, and realizing that YOU play a vital part within our world.

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I am the queen of trying to look like I carry myself to be incredibly self-assured person on this planet but that’s a big, fat, boulder of a lie. For 2018, I want to try to remember how much strength it took me to get through 2017. I put some cheesy quote on an Instagram post about how the year was TRASH but at least we were all still HERE! It seemed a little pathetic and stupid at first, but sometimes I have to get my foot out of my ass and remember there had to have been a reason why someone decided to create those huge inspirational statues they sell at craft stores.

I’m still trying to work through writing the truth down, but here I go- my biggest weakness last year was believing I didn’t matter to anyone just because I didn’t seem to fit in the orbit of a single person. I get flashbacks to elementary school when trying to figure out a metaphor, of the times spent in occupational therapy and the exercises where the goal was to try to fit a huge peg in some sort of huge and bogus crevice for motor skill enhancement. Sometimes I felt like my younger self again: defeated and extremely angry by the idea that I could not let go and move on. I lost myself in hours of analysis as to why I didn’t measure up.

I spent virtually no time checking in with reality, away from my brain bucket of delusion. I am still learning, but I’m trying to remember my value is not solely determined by anyone. I’m trying my best to remember what I have to bring to the table will always be valuable. I am capable of realizing some relationships can bog me down, and taking the time to reflect and acknowledge disappointment ultimately leads to some lesson learned  in one way or another for me. I’ve struggled with the desire to hit “delete” on this post for so long because I forget blogging is a form of understanding for me, or I worry all of this will sound lame in comparison to whatever I will be going through at the time. The key thing for me to remember though, is I HAVE A HEADACHE AND THIS POST IS VERY DIFFICULT TO WRITE FOR SOME REASON. I AM HUNGRY.

No, but really.

I am important. You are important. We all matter, and we should all try to treat each other in a manner where we never forget our importance. Every step of me in the whole “this-reminds-me-of-a-keep-calm-poster-and-I-am-angry-about-it” saga of realizing self-worth is worthy of remembering. God, I started this blog because I wanted to write about music.

 

One of the most comforting reminders I used many, many times this year was to remember music will never go away and could never be taken away. These are some tracks I really dug last month; it feels like such a long time ago, but I’ll always remember the music from a certain period!

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trash by taylor

The One Where I Got A Tinder And Then Realized I Was On A Break From My Real Feelings

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I’m very behind on my blog and very sorry about it! I don’t really know how to start this post, but I feel like that is a pretty good summary of the month I’ve had. I’m feeling really behind on absolutely everything, and I’m feeling pretty sorry about it as if there is an expiration date on when you are “supposed” to catch up on the internet and other miscellaneous happenings in your life.

The biggest news of the past month is that I FINALLY graduated college! Everyone goes to school at their own pace, of course, but I was feeling really odd about going an extra year when most of my friends have graduated and gone to ~bigger~ adventures in life. I know I’ll eventually get to whatever I decide to define my ~big adventure~, but I know I am overthinking this particular post college endeavor. Overthinking most every aspect in my life is action I consider to be a frequent activity of mine, which brings me to my spontaneous decision made over the holiday weekend, which turned out to be a mistake in what I’ve deemed to be “The Age of Taylor Overthinking Absolutely Everything.”

I signed up for Tinder. (uh oh.)

Don’t get me wrong- I have heard accounts from friends and internet neighbors of Tinder being a very good experience. However, these Tinder success stories are generally from people who feel as if they are emotionally ready to make the leap to swiping right. Friends, let me tell you, I’ve been pretty sad over the past few months and I’ve gone more into detail of my struggles in previous posts, but I have not made peace with most of these struggles. I am having a very hard time with the idea I am supposed to have it ALL figured out by my college graduation and at the point of approaching my 24th birthday. In addition to work, financial, and personal success, I’ve felt various amounts of social pressure to “get out there” six months after the break up of a four year relationship, as a form of “having it all.”

Downloading an app might sound like a pretty mindless action but it turns out, that is where the “mindless” aspect stopped. When I started to swipe through photos of dudes who were located near me in all of their filtered splendor, I started to feel incredibly insecure over the photos I had chosen for my profile. What if they could see all of the chin hair I struggle to frequently maintain?

When having conversations about Tinder with friends while I was in a relationship, I honestly felt turned off by the app’s vapid nature; you’re only exposed to photos unless you both “match” with each other, to which you can read a person’s bio and have access to their profile. I don’t consider myself to be someone who struggles with words, but writing my Tinder bio felt like brain surgery and decorating my middle school locker; it felt like I was orchestrating the most complex lie ever; I was definitely not ready to reveal to anyone that I sometimes delete Facebook posts when I have the feeling I’m not being witty enough. My ability to be somewhat witty is one of my favorite parts about myself; I felt as if I had to choose one defining characteristic about myself and turn it up to eleven.

Nothing I put in my bio was a lie. I talked about my love for cats and black coffee, and how I considered myself to be good at puns and telling jokes, but I’m not ready to reveal to anyone that jokes and puns have gotten me through a huge bout of depression. I made a Beatles reference and I think some people thought it would be a good conversation starter. I’m not ready to start arguing about whether “Abbey Road” or “Let It Be” was considered the final Beatles album with anyone except my ex boyfriend. That is OKAY.

I talked to a few nice guys. I really did, but I was always too thrown by the “what are you looking for” question. I know they were referring to the reason why I was using Tinder, but I couldn’t help but feel like a fraud because I’m NOT READY for any of the reasons why people use Tinder. And by god, THAT IS OKAY. One guy in particular I really enjoyed talking to wanted to know if I blogged about weird encounters I had with “Tinder dudes.” I knew what he meant, but I couldn’t imagine doing that. We’re all trying to engage with other people and make good impressions, so something I consider to be “weird” or confusing might just be how people make conversation- totally normal human interaction, and I am not comfortable admitting to this person that I’ve gone to some great lengths to avoid human interaction because I have felt very sad.

I’m still figuring out the next step in my life especially since I’ve just graduated and I’m about to embark on a new transition of having to buy more blazers instead of the preferred black t-shirt. My biggest goal is to finally figure out that it is FINE to be figuring out what you are comfortable with and whether or not you are READY to embark on something new in life. I still need to write in my journal when I’m in the middle of crying over my ex boyfriend. I still need to listen to Marshall Crenshaw’s “Whenever You’re On My Mind” when I’m dealing with my feelings over my first crush since I was in high school. I’m not really okay right now, but I know I will be later on. If I need to take time for myself and watch “Legally Blonde” over and over while eating McDonalds, I’m going to do it.

I texted my best friend this morning and told him about my decision to delete my Tinder. I called it a “world I was not ready for.” It could be at some point in time- I won’t rule it out. I’m sure it’s a really life changing app with the ability to have amazing potential for someone, but my brief swipe with it has taught me to remember that I have to take care of myself and remember that I, myself, have amazing potential to move forward and make positive changes and make room for some good and engaging “Beatles vs. Stones” arguments (“Exile on Main St.” is my favorite, but I can really get behind the cheesiness of the “She Was Hot” video.)