trash by taylor

The One Where I Got A Tinder And Then Realized I Was On A Break From My Real Feelings

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I’m very behind on my blog and very sorry about it! I don’t really know how to start this post, but I feel like that is a pretty good summary of the month I’ve had. I’m feeling really behind on absolutely everything, and I’m feeling pretty sorry about it as if there is an expiration date on when you are “supposed” to catch up on the internet and other miscellaneous happenings in your life.

The biggest news of the past month is that I FINALLY graduated college! Everyone goes to school at their own pace, of course, but I was feeling really odd about going an extra year when most of my friends have graduated and gone to ~bigger~ adventures in life. I know I’ll eventually get to whatever I decide to define my ~big adventure~, but I know I am overthinking this particular post college endeavor. Overthinking most every aspect in my life is action I consider to be a frequent activity of mine, which brings me to my spontaneous decision made over the holiday weekend, which turned out to be a mistake in what I’ve deemed to be “The Age of Taylor Overthinking Absolutely Everything.”

I signed up for Tinder. (uh oh.)

Don’t get me wrong- I have heard accounts from friends and internet neighbors of Tinder being a very good experience. However, these Tinder success stories are generally from people who feel as if they are emotionally ready to make the leap to swiping right. Friends, let me tell you, I’ve been pretty sad over the past few months and I’ve gone more into detail of my struggles in previous posts, but I have not made peace with most of these struggles. I am having a very hard time with the idea I am supposed to have it ALL figured out by my college graduation and at the point of approaching my 24th birthday. In addition to work, financial, and personal success, I’ve felt various amounts of social pressure to “get out there” six months after the break up of a four year relationship, as a form of “having it all.”

Downloading an app might sound like a pretty mindless action but it turns out, that is where the “mindless” aspect stopped. When I started to swipe through photos of dudes who were located near me in all of their filtered splendor, I started to feel incredibly insecure over the photos I had chosen for my profile. What if they could see all of the chin hair I struggle to frequently maintain?

When having conversations about Tinder with friends while I was in a relationship, I honestly felt turned off by the app’s vapid nature; you’re only exposed to photos unless you both “match” with each other, to which you can read a person’s bio and have access to their profile. I don’t consider myself to be someone who struggles with words, but writing my Tinder bio felt like brain surgery and decorating my middle school locker; it felt like I was orchestrating the most complex lie ever; I was definitely not ready to reveal to anyone that I sometimes delete Facebook posts when I have the feeling I’m not being witty enough. My ability to be somewhat witty is one of my favorite parts about myself; I felt as if I had to choose one defining characteristic about myself and turn it up to eleven.

Nothing I put in my bio was a lie. I talked about my love for cats and black coffee, and how I considered myself to be good at puns and telling jokes, but I’m not ready to reveal to anyone that jokes and puns have gotten me through a huge bout of depression. I made a Beatles reference and I think some people thought it would be a good conversation starter. I’m not ready to start arguing about whether “Abbey Road” or “Let It Be” was considered the final Beatles album with anyone except my ex boyfriend. That is OKAY.

I talked to a few nice guys. I really did, but I was always too thrown by the “what are you looking for” question. I know they were referring to the reason why I was using Tinder, but I couldn’t help but feel like a fraud because I’m NOT READY for any of the reasons why people use Tinder. And by god, THAT IS OKAY. One guy in particular I really enjoyed talking to wanted to know if I blogged about weird encounters I had with “Tinder dudes.” I knew what he meant, but I couldn’t imagine doing that. We’re all trying to engage with other people and make good impressions, so something I consider to be “weird” or confusing might just be how people make conversation- totally normal human interaction, and I am not comfortable admitting to this person that I’ve gone to some great lengths to avoid human interaction because I have felt very sad.

I’m still figuring out the next step in my life especially since I’ve just graduated and I’m about to embark on a new transition of having to buy more blazers instead of the preferred black t-shirt. My biggest goal is to finally figure out that it is FINE to be figuring out what you are comfortable with and whether or not you are READY to embark on something new in life. I still need to write in my journal when I’m in the middle of crying over my ex boyfriend. I still need to listen to Marshall Crenshaw’s “Whenever You’re On My Mind” when I’m dealing with my feelings over my first crush since I was in high school. I’m not really okay right now, but I know I will be later on. If I need to take time for myself and watch “Legally Blonde” over and over while eating McDonalds, I’m going to do it.

I texted my best friend this morning and told him about my decision to delete my Tinder. I called it a “world I was not ready for.” It could be at some point in time- I won’t rule it out. I’m sure it’s a really life changing app with the ability to have amazing potential for someone, but my brief swipe with it has taught me to remember that I have to take care of myself and remember that I, myself, have amazing potential to move forward and make positive changes and make room for some good and engaging “Beatles vs. Stones” arguments (“Exile on Main St.” is my favorite, but I can really get behind the cheesiness of the “She Was Hot” video.)