favorites, trash by taylor

a long december (or whatever it is, I hate the counting crows)

 

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(art by Jessi B. I miss her!)

We’re ten days into the new year, and I already can’t believe how much new year related space in occupied in my brain. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m feeling lighter; the amount of relief I’m sure we all have for 2017 to be over, exists in vast proportions! I didn’t have any concrete new year’s resolutions and I really haven’t had any since 2010, when I vowed to stop drinking Vault in school. Really though, the only goal I really wanted to meet in 2018 was to really make sure I left what I could of the dumpster fire garbage can I like to call “MY FEELINGS AND OTHER UNADDRESSED BAGGAGE” in 2017.

In order to obtain that goal, I wanted to move forward on projects I’d been hoping to start for a long time! One morning I was listening to some of my favorite podcasts, and I texted my best friend, and several enthusiastic replies later, “Narrative Bouillon & Other Bullshit” was born! Our goal for the podcast is to provide a platform where people can share and learn to make sense of the narratives that propelled them into who they are today! One of the most important themes we want to explore further is the idea of self-love, and realizing that YOU play a vital part within our world.

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I am the queen of trying to look like I carry myself to be incredibly self-assured person on this planet but that’s a big, fat, boulder of a lie. For 2018, I want to try to remember how much strength it took me to get through 2017. I put some cheesy quote on an Instagram post about how the year was TRASH but at least we were all still HERE! It seemed a little pathetic and stupid at first, but sometimes I have to get my foot out of my ass and remember there had to have been a reason why someone decided to create those huge inspirational statues they sell at craft stores.

I’m still trying to work through writing the truth down, but here I go- my biggest weakness last year was believing I didn’t matter to anyone just because I didn’t seem to fit in the orbit of a single person. I get flashbacks to elementary school when trying to figure out a metaphor, of the times spent in occupational therapy and the exercises where the goal was to try to fit a huge peg in some sort of huge and bogus crevice for motor skill enhancement. Sometimes I felt like my younger self again: defeated and extremely angry by the idea that I could not let go and move on. I lost myself in hours of analysis as to why I didn’t measure up.

I spent virtually no time checking in with reality, away from my brain bucket of delusion. I am still learning, but I’m trying to remember my value is not solely determined by anyone. I’m trying my best to remember what I have to bring to the table will always be valuable. I am capable of realizing some relationships can bog me down, and taking the time to reflect and acknowledge disappointment ultimately leads to some lesson learned  in one way or another for me. I’ve struggled with the desire to hit “delete” on this post for so long because I forget blogging is a form of understanding for me, or I worry all of this will sound lame in comparison to whatever I will be going through at the time. The key thing for me to remember though, is I HAVE A HEADACHE AND THIS POST IS VERY DIFFICULT TO WRITE FOR SOME REASON. I AM HUNGRY.

No, but really.

I am important. You are important. We all matter, and we should all try to treat each other in a manner where we never forget our importance. Every step of me in the whole “this-reminds-me-of-a-keep-calm-poster-and-I-am-angry-about-it” saga of realizing self-worth is worthy of remembering. God, I started this blog because I wanted to write about music.

 

One of the most comforting reminders I used many, many times this year was to remember music will never go away and could never be taken away. These are some tracks I really dug last month; it feels like such a long time ago, but I’ll always remember the music from a certain period!

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trash by taylor

home is what you make of it, i guess

bemis

The holidays are weird. They are a time where a lot of us get reflective over ourselves and pay close attention to those things we wish we could change (I bet those of you who know me are like, Taylor, you’re always reflective. I know, the holidays are my reflection period, with all of the calories). My friends and I haven’t been strangers to the reflection bug and the desire to make sense of what we’d like to change in the new year because let’s face it, 2017 was pretty awful.

This year I fell in love. I fell out of love with long-held ideas and desires. I grew my hair out. I lost my cat for a few days, and she came back. Most importantly, I spent a large chunk of time wondering if I could cure my longstanding dissatisfaction by moving back to Bowling Green, the town where I went to college, and “grew up” in more ways than one. The place where the best doughnuts are, and where there is still a record store in the shopping mall.

Continue reading “home is what you make of it, i guess”

trash by taylor

freshMEAT: What I wish I had known when I started college

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(Me, following my first weekend home from college with clean clothes!)

I saw a tweet this morning from a girl who would be starting college in a few weeks. Her tweet struck me, and woke me up from this weird state of bliss and lit a fire; I will not be going to college in a few weeks. Ever again. That period in my life is over. College was now something I could refer to and file away as a “period” in my life. I can somehow relate to Twitter Girl’s excitement, like I was feeling it surge through myself, but at the same time, I could not feel more removed from her major transition.

I really do envy her excitement because I’m now in the period of looking at my freshman year of college in hindsight where I sometimes stay awake at night and wonder WHY I did THAT or HOW IN THE WORLD DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS ONE THING THAT WOULD HAVE SAVED ME SO MUCH STRESS? My first semester of college was among my hardest semesters of my college career and frankly, they were some of the hardest times in my entire life and I am so determined to make sure I can give advice to people starting college to prevent some of my craziest nightmares!

Continue reading “freshMEAT: What I wish I had known when I started college”

trash by taylor

throwing a fit about zits

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Hi, internet! This is my unfiltered face and sometimes I really don’t like it. I’m thankful for Instagram because I can choose filters to take the focus away from my acne. Sometimes my mother will volunteer to use photo editing apps to take the zits away. This is my relationship with acne as a 24-year-old, and it’s definitely not the kind of relationship fourteen year old me would want to know I was (still) having with my acne a decade later.

I feel like I’ve become someone who is pretty vocal with letting you know her discontent with her acne. I know many of my friends know this story and are tired of hearing it, but it’s pretty crucial in my “journey” with acne, so, here goes:

Acne became a constant fixture overnight from the day I became a teenager. In 7th grade, I wasn’t popular at ALL and was bullied pretty badly because I was in the midst of exploring my personality and delighted in some pretty weirdo interests to my peers; I felt like the only 13-year-old after 1983 who spent her time preaching the gospel of Sting. When I started showing up to school with acne around the same time the other girls were starting to experiment with make up, I felt like it was the talk of the town at school; little red blotches spotted on Taylor’s face were totally not the result of a new shade of blush.

One of the most popular girls came up to me in the hallway one day and presented me with a bottle of Clearasil Ultra, which was THE hottest acne relief at the time, due to a large number of celebrity endorsements. I know the girl thought she was being nice and doing a good deed, but I threw the bottle in my locker and cried in the bathroom for the rest of the day. Worst of all, my Dad (who has also struggled with adult acne), thought my crisis wasn’t a big deal, and took the bottle for himself.

In high school, I discovered Nirvana and Kurt Cobain, and was really obsessed with Cobain’s quote in a Sassy Magazine article where he proclaimed “zits are beauty marks.” I wrote it over and over in my journals and on my mirror. I felt less alone when I discovered the My So Called Life episode where Angela Chase deals with acne. By high school I developed a pretty strict acne routine and tried almost everything I could get my hands on.

I still have a nightly skin routine I follow. Age has helped my acne struggles a bit, but I can’t completely rid myself of it. In fact I’ve almost completely stopped trying to rid myself of acne. I have also come to the conclusion that the pimples are not my biggest issue, it is the way acne is discussed and portrayed in the media, causing negative messages to be indoctrinated into our ways of thinking.

I like talking to people about their acne routines and remedies but I would really much rather discuss how to reform discussion about acne. What can we tell the younger generation about it to properly show acne isn’t the reason to skip school or decline plans out of embarrassment? Even today, I told one of my best friends to tape that picture above to his drum set so he could pound directly at my zits. The fact I’m still speaking and thinking this way about my acne is NOT okay. Are there even media outlets that exist these days which promote a healthy viewpoint concerning acne, instead of only limiting attention to skin routines or quick make up cover ups? Let’s start this discussion, if not!

zits are beauty marks. thank you, Kurt.