trash by taylor

here’s an update, I guess.

2012

(look at my hair! I was on my Tumblr over the weekend, and discovered this gem

from when I’d spend all of my time reblogging pictures of Ethan Hawke. I wish my bangs were as cool now.)

This month has been a hard one. I’ve lost the inspiration to write, and I was afraid that would happen when I started this blog. My previous post was really personal and the positive feedback on it (thank you! thank you!) has sort of thrown me for a loop on the direction I want this blog to go. There’s a David Bowie quote floating around somewhere about never preforming for the gallery. I think about that a lot when I get too far into my hesitations.

I’m back in Nashville, and I’ve been pretty quiet about it. I’ve been going back and forth to Bowling Green for school stuff and it’s made my head kind of rattle. I guess I’m in that phase of not knowing what’s going to happen when I graduate. That’s happening in May and it’s a V BIG DEAL that I haven’t paid attention to at all. I’m mostly spending my time measuring my self worth based off of other people, which is terrible, I know.

In the midst of all of this confusion over myself, I’m listening to Ryan Adams’ new record “Prisoner” a ton. I love finding music that reflects what I’m going through at the time. Breakup records are the best.

Speaking of that, I’m turning my breakup pain into something really cool and different for me that I’m very excited to share with you! Stay tuned for that; it’s the first time in ages that I’m really holding myself to a writing standard and I’m really healing well because of it.

I’ll be back to talking about records pretty soon! I promise!

lots of love,

-T

 

trash by taylor

Struggle

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I haven’t been writing for awhile and it’s simply because I haven’t felt like it. I will start a post and completely lose interest, letting self doubt consume me. I often worry a lot about sharing my life on the internet, for fear of an annoyance from the general public if I happen to be writing about something that would best be kept in a journal. Believe me, I’ve written a lot lately in my journal and have reinstated a healthy and regular writing relationship for my mental health lately.

My significant other of nearly five years broke up with me on Monday night, finally. We’ve broken up a few times before but for things that were significantly less serious than this. This is going to be a long one, because I need to bring you up to speed a little about my relationship with religion.

I have never been a religious person, and this dates back to childhood. I grew up in the southern baptist dominated south, and I come from a family with a background of heavy church involvement. I, myself, did not grow up in church, or attend any Sunday morning services. My parents enrolled me in Bible school and Summer church camps in my childhood, so that I could meet friends who were not from school; my only childhood status (happily) kept me primarily around adults.

When I was nine years old I went to a summer bible school session. It wasn’t my first time in bible school, but it may have been my first time attending bible school at this particular church. I had a TON of fun during the week, but it all came to a very confusing halt on Friday. At the end of the day, all of the kids were taken to the sanctuary and the ones who had not been “saved” were told to go to the front of the church and accept Jesus into their hearts.

All of the kids were then lined up and we had to tell the preacher one by one that we had sinned and were now saved because we accepted Jesus as our personal lord and savior. I did what I was told, because I knew I hadn’t been saved, and the other kids I’d become friends with were doing the same. It was pure intimidation, and I was absolutely not clear over what was happening. There were adults around me crying, and telling me they were proud of me. I knew I felt uncomfortable and definitely had not been told what it really meant to be saved, and it SCARED ME TO DEATH. I went home and cried in my grandmother’s arms for hours.

I had made the decision as a young girl that I did not feel comfortable with the baptist church or christianity, but I would always be open to anyone who wanted to teach or talk to me about it or explain their relationship with God. Sadly I’ve never had any such experience.

I met my ex boyfriend at 19 when I was a freshman in college. We hit it off and had a great time together. He brought me to meet his family about two months into our relationship, and he had let me know about his mother’s deep religious ties. I’d talked to him many times by that point about my religious views, but I was open to attending church that weekend.

I’ve since gone to sunday service at his church over the years, but I feel like the people and the atmosphere had only reinforced my doubts about religion. The women in the young adult sunday school class had been intimidating and rude to me, and I cried many times on the way back to Bowling Green about it, much to his annoyance.

He had recently told me his mother had said that I “did not have the words of a crucified heart” and that was enough for her to write me off as being a spineless, mean, or extremely hurtful person, never minding the fact I’ve been nothing but nice, patient, and opened to hearing her many conversations with me about God and what he meant to her.

My s/o had been really intimidated by this conversation last week, and began texting me things along the lines of “God loves you and thinks you’re creative.” I have no problem with speak like that. However his texts began to get stranger to the point where he was “pretending” to be God, and he would then sign the texts that were supposed to be from him, with his name. I repeatedly asked him to stop, and he did after a long time.

I had spent a few days not speaking to him, and he admitted to me on Monday night that he had purposefully texted those things to me in order to manipulate me into having a better relationship with his mother if we were to continue dating or to get married after finishing school.

I could go into everything concerning manipulation, but I’m supremely bothered by the fact that someone would decide to write someone off because they did not have a “crucified heart” or any sort of relationship with a god. I personally believe in a being higher than ourselves, but I do not quite know what that is. I’m hurt and pretty humiliated by this, and I’m going to take a long time to make sense of it all.

I’ve really struggled with my self worth in the wake of these two incidences. I’ve wondered if my choosing to not go to church, but to be open to learning about all religions is not good enough to qualify as a decent human being. I’ve always admired people who have a good relationship with their god, and have taken the time to show others WHY they do, and not judge others for not believing or being curious.

I wrote this not to drag my ex boyfriend or his mother through the mud, but to make sense of the confusion about my self worth as being an agnostic person. I’m convinced that my loving nature is not enough for people, and that I need to change despite having a good idea of who I am for a long time now. I’ve never written something so personal before, and I hope to use my blog as an outlet for difficult subjects in the future. I appreciate anyone who reads this; you are all wonderful, and I accept you as you are, no matter what your religious beliefs are!